NOW PLAYING: Road Hogs

23 February, 1998
"Slower Traffic Keep Right." I can't figure out which part of that phrase is unintelligible to so many of the idiots on the road impersonating licensed drivers. Recently, whilst I was driving six hours on the interstate, there were more than a few fools who couldn't seem to grasp the concept.

Do they not care? Or are they just utter morons? When a car is approaching you from behind, you don't just hang out in the left lane -- you get your ass over! It's not rocket science. Anybody who is capable of operating a motor vehicle should be able to comprehend this idea.

Almost as bad are the losers who suddenly decide that they're going too slow as I'm passing them and speed up to match me, keeping me trapped next to them. Generally I just hit the gas and ease back to the right a ways ahead of them, and they then resume their original, slower pace. But why do they accelerate in the first place? Are they doing it on purpose, just to be jerks? Or are they simple-minded sheep who can't decide on a speed by themselves?

"Road Rage" is getting a lot of attention these days. I think it has always been there, but recently is expressed more (and more violently) as traffic gets worse and there seem to be so many people who just don't pay attention to what is happening around them on the asphalt.

I like to think that I'm a better driver than most others on the road -- I drove a motorcycle for several years until I was in a wreck caused by a dumbass who wasn't paying attention and turned left into me. Riding a 'cycle forces you into an acute awareness of what is going on around you and just how idiotic most people are when they're behind the wheel. Cell phones and cars that are "sealed" from the outside noises make it even easier for people to tune out when they're driving.

Vehicular Mounted Weaponry seems like a mighty fine idea every now and then. The people who didn't belong on the roads would be cleared off. "Why Johnny Can't Speed" (a great short story by Alan Dean Foster) deals with just this sort of thing. And back in the days before computer games had graphics, my friends and I played a role-playing game called Car Wars with paper, pencils, dice & graph paper, where we'd outfit cars with armor, machine guns and rockets and battle it out on the "road." Had a lot of fun, too. Now of course, you can take out your freeway frustrations on the computer with games like Interstate '76 or Death Rally.

So many drivers seem to feel that they can do anything they want on the road -- it's their world. Like the bastard in the blue Volvo who turned left in front of me from the right-turn-only lane and nearly rammed me the other day. I blew the double air horn in my Miata at him loud and long, but what I really wanted to do was drag the prick out of the car at the next stop light and kick him so hard he'd be wearing his ass for a hat. He wasn't going to wait his turn. He was doing what he wanted, and to hell with anyone else. He didn't care.

In a parallel universe, having a pair of 50-caliber machine guns mounted in the front of my car, I would have gleefully left the bullet-ridden hulk of his Volvo burning on the side of the road. He'd care then.

Maybe it should be more difficult to get a drivers license. Maybe the tests should be harder to pass. Maybe there should be a road test and a written test every time the license expired, instead of just paying your 20 bucks and passing a cheesy eye exam. Maybe some driver's education should be mandatory when a license is renewed -- both classroom time and drive time. Something -- anything -- to increase the skills and awareness of people on the road.

Otherwise I'm not going to be surprised when road-rage-related incidents of serious violence become so commonplace they barely get a mention on the local news.

"... and finally in highway actions today, there were 6 killed and 17 wounded. Back to you, Jim."

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